|I been thinkin bout you
||[Oct. 21st, 2012|12:20 am]
Free to Be
alright, good job Fresh, you made it to LJ.|
now it's time to write that moving piece which changed your life.
i can't plan that, now can i
what's going on... in between stoves at present. keeping a bird happy and a house plant sanctuary moist is on the agenda... two fires built, thank goodness they'll be safe tonight.
i am un/pleasantly addicted to online dating sites . . . it is a pleasant outlet for expressing romance, but fishin is slow on the broadband stream. the fall leaves are not going to be much more than a blanket for the forest floor this winter. fortunately that is what the seeds of Spring can bring.
i don't really know how to talk about my life right now. i thought perhaps the steward's circle this past friday would be enough of a heart circle to bring me to process. when the talis came my way though, i wrestled yet was unable to speak. i did not stay for the second round...
the phrase that comes to mind most often these days is something i saw written down. "i've been running too fast for far too long." even though i feel those words now, i have not been heeding them much. i am walking all the time in between states of depression, anxiety, anger, and sadness. happiness comes in laughter... and this week i have been fasting from sarcasm. so my laughter this week comes from authentic places, rather than displacing myself from my feelings through the tool of humor.... also people play games with me all the time, which is something to mostly be happy about. i am playing golf, a card game, yahtzee, and other dice games, most recently. i have learned most of these games out here in tennessee... but i have to wonder sometimes if i am learning anything. however i have learned how to lose, and to lose *well*. . .
mostly, what is going on? my life is in material disarray. there is no place to put all of my stuff... and i have no interest in just discarding all of it in the name of empty space. so i need to build shelves and get a rod up ... my wallet has been missing since before the gathering in September... i wish i could find it. maybe in all these mounds of laundry waiting to get done. sigh. bleh.
i have no idea if i can continue to sustain my life out here unless something significantly changes... that is to say, i need more income than i am generating. while i enjoy so much resource and access to educational material... i am looking forward to the near future when medical expenses are a necessary part of my future. i don't know what to think about that. i am stymied.
i feel less pressure than i did about a month ago, when it was man after man triggering me with his needs and little reciprocity. that is a good feeling. it is not really easy for me to share space with people i can't stand. i don't know if i'm getting better at it -- more than most times i have simply shut down. as the only way to keep holding space for other people. shutting them out... i don't like it and am at a loss for any other way to go about it.
the only answer me and the cards seem to generate is hermit hermit hermit. be alone, be yourself, know yourself. conquer yourself, says my friend... well maybe. i don't know... but maybe i will know eventually.