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Free to Be

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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2012|01:19 am]
Free to Be
so i'm sitting in the library all depressed like when Altercation starts asking me questions about what i want to tranifest in my life and i'm like, i want to transition, i want this i want that, and suddenly he and John start asking me about romance, which i didn't really list. i realize these two cats are after my goods and they want to know the truth about my cookies.  like what do i want.  trust me it was a tough question...

my first answer was that someone would come here and they would be weirded the fuck out.  they would be sketchy as fuck and trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  they would probably just up and leave, too, rather than act entitled to the space and start taking privilege wherever they could.  the people i want to meet are not about to come here.  but let's say they did, this crusty cute traveling kid.  i said he would get the fuck out of here and take me with them, throw me in the trunk of their car and drive away.  maybe every once in awhile pull over and beat on me and cuddle.

but now i'm trying to think about it... because that answer just didn't seem right.  i mean, yeah, i am all for a partner who is interested in bdsm.  right now , i am on that trannel a little too hard and without any of the benefits.  it's all in my head and no one to play it out with.  and i'm seeing it more and more each year how the dom/sub dynamic plays out in my life with all this unexpressed sexual energy.

my samhain intention this year is to strengthen my boundaries.  something tells me i lost a lot of time in my fucked up attempts at fuck... picked up some bad habits and never learned the habits that keep me alive and surviving.  when i say boundaries on love... like i don't even know where the fuck to start.  i know what my deal breakers are when it comes to navigating commitment... but all this beginning a life together crap is confusing as hell.  that's what i'd like to look at it as... beginning a life together.  in any friendship, going into that relationship with the knowledge that we don't know what's going to happen.. i mean, what do you do?

my focus is going to keep being me for awhile.  there is so much i am working through that i have a hard time believing i'll actually find movement.  but i do not want to give up on myself.
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I been thinkin bout you [Oct. 21st, 2012|12:20 am]
Free to Be
alright, good job Fresh, you made it to LJ.

now it's time to write that moving piece which changed your life.
oh wait
i can't plan that, now can i

what's going on... in between stoves at present.  keeping a bird happy and a house plant sanctuary moist is on the agenda... two fires built, thank goodness they'll be safe tonight.

i am un/pleasantly addicted to online dating sites . . . it is a pleasant outlet for expressing romance, but fishin is slow on the broadband stream.  the fall leaves are not going to be much more than a blanket for the forest floor this winter.  fortunately that is what the seeds of Spring can bring.

i don't really know how to talk about my life right now.  i thought perhaps the steward's circle this past friday would be enough of a heart circle to bring me to process.  when the talis came my way though, i wrestled yet was unable to speak.  i did not stay for the second round...

the phrase that comes to mind most often these days is something i saw written down.  "i've been running too fast for far too long."  even though i feel those words now, i have not been heeding them much.  i am walking all the time in between states of depression, anxiety, anger, and sadness.  happiness comes in laughter... and this week i have been fasting from sarcasm.  so my laughter this week comes from authentic places, rather than displacing myself from my feelings through the tool of humor.... also people play games with me all the time, which is something to mostly be happy about.  i am playing golf, a card game, yahtzee, and other dice games, most recently.  i have learned most of these games out here in tennessee... but i have to wonder sometimes if i am learning anything.  however i have learned how to lose, and to lose *well*. . .

mostly, what is going on? my life is in material disarray.  there is no place to put all of my stuff... and i have no interest in just discarding all of it in the name of empty space.  so i need to build shelves and get a rod up ... my wallet has been missing since before the gathering in September... i wish i could find it.  maybe in all these mounds of laundry waiting to get done.  sigh.  bleh.

i have no idea if i can continue to sustain my life out here unless something significantly changes... that is to say, i need more income than i am generating.  while i enjoy so much resource and access to educational material... i am looking forward to the near future when medical expenses are a necessary part of my future.  i don't know what to think about that.  i am stymied.

i feel less pressure than i did about a month ago, when it was man after man triggering me with his needs and little reciprocity.  that is a good feeling.  it is not really easy for me to share space with people i can't stand.  i don't know if i'm getting better at it -- more than most times i have simply shut down.  as the only way to keep holding space for other people.  shutting them out... i don't like it and am at a loss for any other way to go about it. 

the only answer me and the cards seem to generate is hermit hermit hermit.  be alone, be yourself, know yourself.  conquer yourself, says my friend... well maybe.  i don't know... but maybe i will know eventually.
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hi how are you? [Apr. 18th, 2012|10:42 am]
Free to Be

unedited blog, i ramble about coffee and whine about privilege, then postulate about loving plantsCollapse )
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11.11.11 [Nov. 11th, 2011|10:14 am]
Free to Be
Well, hello!  It's eleveneleveneleven and I'm writing at eleven.  What
more could I ask out of life?  A bowl of rice congee, kale, and miso
alongisde a sweet breakfast of coffee and bread pudding (replete with
meringue).  Fuck me sideways, as it is said!

I am writing out of practice!  Sure, I have never produced as much
content as I have this year, but I am not writing every day.  I've been
keeping mildly busy with the quarterly publications of the Sanctuary and
the twice-a-week schedule for the electronic messenger for the local
scene.... but what about for me?  My personal writing hasn't made much
recently . . .

All the more reason to light ye olde fire under mine arse for a hot
minute and get something out there.  If anything, I'm totally out of
practice with blogging.  Vlogging?  Please.  I don't even have a cell
phone!  Then again, I am beginning to question whether or not I am
Luddite in the first place.  I sure enjoy getting back to the land yet
it would take a powerful community to really separate from the sheer
amount of technology.

In other news, my friendship with one womyn has encouraged me to look
deeper and question other of my most treasured beliefs -- polyamory
among them.  The reason I ask myself is to observe how the patriarchy,
consumer culture, and dynamics which are not rooted in love all inform
my agency in polyamorous pursuit.  I know there is love in what I am
doing... and fortunately for me I've been celibate this year, for the
most part intentionally. 

There's this guy here at the Sanctuary now who drives me up the wall. 
There has been no break -- not a one! -- from visitors this year.  Even
during the supposed off seasons, we've been hosting.  Some days that's a
great thing and I am happy that we have the company.  Other days I just
want to be surrounded by familiar people who I've lived with for the
past three years.  This guy, though... fuckin' weaselly as shit and I'm
sure he's going to be riding me for personal time.  I am not interested
-- and I need to figure out that aspect of my life here because it is
draining in unfair ways.

There's more to say but I'm keeping most of it to myself for the
moment... I just wanted to practice free writing -- so to speak.

HAPPY 11/11/11 ! ! !
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2010|11:07 am]
Free to Be
Anyone know of a way to subscribe to LJ blogs so that I could receive them in email form?
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(no subject) [Oct. 17th, 2009|04:54 pm]
Free to Be
My heart is spewing forth hot lava.
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(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2009|01:55 pm]
Free to Be

I cried when I saw this. I can't believe it's finally happening :)
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2009|10:59 am]
Free to Be

The Psychedelic Experience... with Free 'n Fresh Now . . .
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People went CRAZY [Mar. 20th, 2009|10:57 am]
Free to Be

Story from Livin' It at the Daffodil Festival . . .
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oh God. [Mar. 20th, 2009|10:49 am]
Free to Be
we've barely entered aries and the fights are already brewing online.  guess that means i need to keep grounded offline.

housesitting extension = free joy.

spring equinox = late night freedom and hearth heat.

i feel broken.  running all over and starting to see how the pieces fit because i watched them fall away.

finding joy is easier.  seeking pain is going out of style.  i can't derive any satisfaction from porn anymore it seems. . .

today's sunlight seems a lot safer than the darkness of the cave.  i need to be there and say hello.

i need love.

i want bird.
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